Thirsty Jerks: Best Soda

Sorry for the lack of posts, been away on vacation, but I'm back! And I decided to settle a great debate and name the best soda. I don't care about your arguments, because I'm the one with the blog, so my point is valid, and yours is not! Ha! Jerk City USA!

Pepsi. Is crap. I was raised on Pepsi and hated it. My parents and Grandparents are Pepsi freaks and it's insane. Sometimes we would get a special treat and have Dr. Pepper, but it was 90% Pepsi in our house, and it sucks. Still to this day now that I am a free man and out on my own, I am stuck with Pepsi as a choice, and I would rather drink moose piss!

Coke. Coke is strange. Coke in a can doesn't taste as good as it does out of the bottle, and Coke in a bottle doesn't taste as good as it does coming out of a fountain. Coke in restaurants and movie theaters is the best Coke around. Nothing is better at Red Lobster than chowing down on some cheddar bay biscuits and having a nice cold Coke to wash it down. Same goes for going to the movies.

Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew was king when I was a kid. My older brother swore by Mountain Dew so when he had some around, it was the perfect escape from Pepsi. Sadly, Mountain Dew just doesn't taste the same these days.

Dr. Pepper. This is the 2nd best soda around. Soon you will see why. Dr. Pepper isn't coke, and it isn't Pepsi, yet it is widely available everywhere, (except in Payson AZ, for some reason it's called Doc Holiday there.)

And now, this brings me to what I declare the best soda around.....

PIBB XTRA

Pibb is like Dr. Peppers cool hot sister. Dr. Pepper is a cool guy to hang out with, but you're really there to try to get a taste of the really hot older sister. And sometimes, when you can find it, you sneak in and get some action from that hot older sister. See where I live, on the west side of the USA, there is no Pibb outside of fast food places and the occasional restaurant. No Pibb in cans or bottles is available. But last year I did a road trip to Iowa, and I found Pibb in cans and bottles and it was just as good! I hit the small local market in Iowa and bought out their entire stock of Pibb, so for a couple months at home in AZ, I have Pibb in a can. Unlike Coke, Pibb tasted the same out of the can and out of the bottle. Sure it is very similar to Dr. Pepper, but it has that hint of cherry taste in it that really makes it the best. Dr. Pepper does have that new Cherry Dr. Pepper, but it's no Pibb. Pibb is awesome, Pibb is king. That is that.........

Five Guys All The Way: Bacon Cheeseburger All Toppings

Last night was one of those nights. I had planned to make dinner at home, but we forgot an ingredient at the store. Instead of spending all the time going back and buying it and preparing dinner, we decided to get fast food.

My go-to fast food place is definitely Five Guys Burgers and Fries. I am really trying not to eat out much these days, to save dollars and pounds. If I eat out at a "real restaurant," it needs to be someplace good. So this leaves fast food as the likely option when I don't have the time and money. Right now I don't even think about any other places, especially when it comes to burgers.

There is a Culver's right next to the Five Guys, and they send many coupons in the mail, but I just don't know if they are any good. I posted about the Culvers Burgers in the Culvers vs. Smashburger review piece, but I didn't get any feedback about them.

Here's what I order from Five Guys: The Bacon Cheeseburger All The Way. Five Guys has a simple menu, but they offer many many burger toppings. All the toppings are clearly listed on the menu and the top row of toppings - lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, grilled onions, mayo, mustard, grilled mushrooms, and ketchup - is in black. "All the way" means all the toppings in black. At my local Five Guys, a bacon cheeseburger is 5.99 with whatever toppings you want. Hold the bacon, and get a "regular" cheeseburger for $5.49. One thing to know about Five Guys is a regular burger is a double burger, I believe it is 1/2 pound of beef. A "Little" Hamburger is $3.59 here and is larger than the premium burgers at most fast food places.

A regular order of french fries runs around $2.99, which seems expensive until you consider that you get around 3 orders worth of fries. They fry up a bunch of fresh potatoes and, after filling the cup and putting it in your bag, they throw a whole bunch of fries in the bag. The loose fries could easily fill another cup, and a whole family could split a regular order of fries.

In my area, when it comes to burger and fries options, I have McDonalds, BK, Wendy's, Steak n Shake, White Castle, and Big Boy. There are also casual dining options like TGI Friday's and Ruby Tuesday, but those places don't really do anything special with burgers to justify the prices onse you factor in tipping.

Five Guys is the only place that does anything resembling a quality burger, and really isn't any more expensive than Wendy's when it comes to prices for premium/special burgers in the same weightclass. It's also the only place that does anything resembling "real" fries. Maybe I'm picky because I grew up with Thrashers French Fries, but I think french fries should be potatoes that are sliced and deep fried. They should be crisp on the outside and have hot soft potato in the inside. They should not be limp and skinny, and the insides should not be hollow. I think McDonalds fries are tasty, but they are lacking. They are McFries. Wendy's is at least trying to so something with their new Sea Salt Fries, but they are going to end up flopping.

So for me it's Five Guys All the Way, All The Way.

Is Culver's Better than Smashburger? Are Burgers from Either Place Any Good?

I was just reading our Phoenix Smashburger Review, and I was curious about what other people had to say. I don't have a Smashburger in my area. I think the best fast food burger I've had was at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Five Guys is a little more expensive than most places, but the food is really good and the portions are huge. I like how they dump a bunch of fries in the bag after filling the container to overflowing. Plus, I have cut back on eating out. I try to avoid fast food in general, but if I do I go for quality. The same goes for my steaks- I would rather have a really good expensive steak every once in awhile than have low quality beef on a regular basis.

I was looking into Smashburger a little more when I came across this Phoenix New Times article comparing Smashburger to Culver's. Really? I DO have Culvers burgers in my area, but I have never ordered there. The reason? The food doesn't look too great in their ads/mailers. I figure if the food doesn't even look like much in a picture I'm probably not going to be delighted in person. Their marketing materials make Culver's look like a sort of Dairy Queen or maybe Sonic type joint. Those places have their roles in the fast food market, but I don't exactly think of gourmet burgers.

In fact, in the New Times article the Culver's burger looks underwhelming. The patty looks somewhat like a Steak 'n Shake patty. I know Roger Ebert loves the place, and he seems like a nice guy, but Steak 'n Shake has lousy burgers and decent shakes. The Culver's picture also shows cheese that is not even close to being melted. Good burgers are big and juicy. They use quality meat and fresh toppings. The cheese on burgers should be gooey or at least somewhat melted. It should not resemble anything from a school cafeteria or hospital.

The bad news for Smashburger? The Smashburger Lost to the completely unappetizing Culver's burger, at least according to the Phoenix New Times reviewer. Though, the fact that his article is ostensibly about gourmet burgers and the "new burger kings", yet the best he could come up with was Culver's vs. Smashburger, makes one question his credentials.

So, Smashburger seems to get some bad reviews. Is their burger really lousy? Is Culver's any good? Or are they just good in comparison to Smashburger? Should I try out one the dozens of Culver's coupons I get in the mail or stick to my $11 Five Guys meal?

Mackys Grill in Payson AZ: The Ooey Gooey Burger

I was told about Mackys Grill nonstop pretty much, drivin to the point of madness. This place got so hyped up to the point that I really didn't even wanna go, but I did, and what happened?

Madness. Delicious madness. I had myself some fried pickles for the first time ever, and they were magical. Then came the main course, the Ooey Gooey Burger. Three cheese melted on top of the burger patty, with some mayo and lettuce. Im sure an artery or two got clogged up, but it was damn good.

Now, I also discovered another strange thing. There is no such thing as Dr Pepper in Payson AZ. They have Doc Holiday. Tastes the same, but named different, no idea why, but it was awesome.

Mackys Grill doesn't have a website, so well just link the map. Because if you ever find yourself out in Payson AZ for whatever reason, and are looking to grab a bite to eat, go here. You will be a happy camper.

Sonic Drink Combos: Whats Your Poison?

I'm not a huge fan of Sonic. But where I live there isn't much choice. It's Sonic, or McDonalds. But one thing Sonic does that makes me a happy guy, is provide an endless variety of drinks. Not many people notice it, or even think about it, but you can add almost any flavor to any drink you want.

Recently I have discovered the glorious taste of Sprite with watermelon flavor. Holy dear it is delicious. But there are literally hundreds of different varieties you can go with. So, we ask you readers, when you hit Sonic, what flavors do you mix up to create the ultimate drink??

Smashburger Thoughts- Restaurant Review Smashburger Phoenix Arizona

Went into Smashburger on 59th and Thunderbird in Phoenix for the first time the other day. Their logo is weird because from afar, you might mistake this place for Game Stop. Anyways, Smashburger actually contacted us and inquired about a review. Something about free samples of food and all that, but to stay true to our readers I did not go through with it. I went in as a normal paying customer. Mainly for the fact that special treatment woulda meant a biased review. And damnit, I tell it how it is!

Smashburger. The place was empty pretty much. The inside was kinda boring, not much goin on. Some walls, and some tables and chairs. The service though was very good, pleasant smiling faces all around, making sure you were taken care of. Which was nice, not too many places do this.

The food? Well........meh. I got the BBQ Bacon Burger. And it tasted like, a BBQ Bacon Burger. I know that sounds weird but, it just tasted normal to me. Nothing stood out or blew my mind when I took a bite. My main feeling on burger places is, if I can make a better burger at home, then you're not doin a good enough job. This burger was pretty simple and tasted like something I could get or make anywhere.

The fries, I got the Smash Fries and they are pretty gross. I wasn't diggin all the oils and crap thrown on them, just make me some fries with some nice seasoning on them. Don't try to make them all fancy.

I wouldn't recommend this place if you're a die hard burger fan. I would choose Five Guys over this place any day. But, I might have to try Smashburger at least one more time, maybe they were having an off day?

You can check out the menu and find locations near you at SmashBurger.com.

Thanks For Nothing: Carls Jr.

I shoulda known I was doomed from the start. Carls Jr. is one of those idiotic places where in some parts of the country they are called Carls Jr. and other parts it's called Hardees. Why? There is no point. Stop being stupid. ANYways...

Wasn't really hungry, but in the mood for a little snack while I worked tonight. This was hours and hours after the Sonic incident mentioned in a previous blog. And my parents wanted some hamburgers, so I went to pick up some Carls Jr. And all I wanted was a simple chili cheese fries, and a coke. Pretty easy right?

Wrong.

I get back and open up the box of chili cheese fries and find this monstrosity....

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with that? I got a giant handful of fries, and a splash of chili with a sprinkle of cheese slopped into it. Look at that! Would ya look at that?! Seriously. How do you screw up pouring chili on top of fries?

And now for the really weird part. A first time ever problem at a drive thru. Now we have all been given a messed up order, or a wacky looking crapfest like my chili cheese fries, but this just confused me to no end.... I take a bite out of my pathetic looking chili cheese fries, and take a drink of my........warm coke?! My coke, had NO ice in it. And my parents, and nephews drinks? NO ICE. Now, it's not that big of a deal, because we have ice, it's just weird. Why would you not put ice in someones drink order?

With the lack of ice, and the half attempt at putting chili on fries, I dub this Carls Jr. as the LAZIEST fast food place around. Sure Sonic and other places screw up an order here and there, but they at least try. Carls Jr. didn't even try. They failed.

Thanks for nothing Carls Jr.

Thanks For Nothing: Sonic!

So I live up in Anthem AZ. Not much fast food wise around these parts. So Sonic is usually where I have to make a trip to get my wife some lunch since she works at home. So today, was the usual Sonic trip, but something didn't seem right...............

First thing I notice, is instead of the usual chirpy lovely sounds of some chick on the drive thru speaker, its some dude. Hmmm ok, and then I notice instead of the usual girls skating around handing out food, its dudes in jackets. Strange. Every Sonic I've ever been to, its basically almost all females everywhere.

So I order the same thing I get every time. A medium number 2 for my wife, with mayo and ketchup, no tomatoes, no lettuce, and fries with a cherry limeade. And for me, medium number 1, no tomatoes, no onions, and tots with a coke with chocolate flavoring (try it, its UHMAZING.) Well dudeche bag on the intercom re-reads my order and reads mine as having it with no tomatoes and no lettuce. I inform him that I wanted it with no tomatoes, no onions. He says to hold on one second, assuming corrections were made. And he tells me to pull around.

I sit there and wait, my food comes out and the guy re-reads my order, and reads it correct. I get home, only to find both of our hamburgers having NO TOMATOES NO LETTUCE. REALLY? Really? I corrected this guy after he messed it up the first time, and he STILL manages to mess it up!

So thanks for nothing Sonic, because of your epic fail I had to settle with just some damn tater tots for lunch. Go F yourself!

Food That Makes You Go Poop: Totinos Pizza Rolls

Yes, I know all food in some way or another makes you go take a crap at some point, but there are certain foods that make you go instantly, and you KNOW what food caused the sudden press of the poop NOS button to come rushing. Tonight? Totinos Pizza Rolls.

Totinos Pizza Rolls have been around for years and years and have always been a favorite of mine ever since I was a little kid. I mean how can you not be a fan of pizza rolls?? Its the taste of a pizza, wrapped up in bite size treats! Well alright I have yet to ever taste a pizza that is anything close to tasting like a pizza roll but who cares? They're delicious!

I have many problems with these bad boys though, I always make too many. I think just 10 or so will do the snackin trick, but then I end up cooking 30 (the image to the left is the actual rolls right after I took them out of the oven). And I always manage to get down 25 or so, before I get too full and can't finish. But then I see only 5 left and try to stuff the remaining 5 down. Then not 30 minutes later, I feel the bubble guts, and everything in my stomach shifting around, and a trip to the toilet is in order.

That is where I am now. I found it only fitting that I write this article about food that makes you rush to take a poop, while taking the Totinos Poop. (Yes, I do have a little stand in my bathroom that my laptop sits on).

So, if you're a fan of taking a crap, eat some Totinos Pizza Rolls. They'll do the trick.

Taco Bell Beefy Crunch Burrito Review

Many readers of this site know my love/hate relationship with Taco Bell. Everything on their menu is good if not great, but at the same time, makes me go to the bathroom like no other. Saw the commercial for this new burrito and decided to give it a quick try.

Eh.

Its ok. There is more rice than meat in it, the fritos you can barely notice. So the crunch part of it is kinda gone. Of course if you dine in, you might get it, because if you get it to go by the time you get home to eat it, the fritos have gotten a bit soggy.

I don't think I'll ever get one of these burritos again. Just did nothing for me. No real spice to it, no crunch, just tasted like mush. Pass on this Taco Bell fans.